Melodies of Resilience
I remember being in Florida on vacation. I was nine years old at the time and it was like the scoliosis became noticeable overnight. My mom was first to notice when I was walking in front of her, she said my posture was different. She then asked me to sit up straight at dinner and I said I was, even though my shoulder blades were severely uneven. As soon as we got home, I immediately went to see my primary care doctor who said it was scoliosis and sent us to a specialist. We went to many different hospitals and many different doctors that year and the details are a bit hazy to me since I was so young, but I was diagnosed with Adolescent Idiopathic Scoliosis at the age of nine. After some x-rays, MRIs, and several consultations, it was clear my only treatment option was surgery. I had a 56 degree ‘S’ curve with crankshaft, which meant my spine was not only curving but twisting, leaving one shoulder blade sticking out more than the other. With the severity of these symptoms, a back brace wasn’t going to help. After speaking with a few surgeons, we found Dr. John Grayhack at Lurie Children’s hospital in Chicago. He had a calming demeanor and helped my parents understand everything that was going on. I didn’t quite understand everything at my age, but I do remember enjoying my visits with him; he was funny. We scheduled my first surgery with Dr. Grayhack on June 15, 2010 - I was 10 years old. In the months leading up to the surgery, the effects of my scoliosis were more and more prevalent: clothing wasn’t fitting correctly, my uneven posture was more noticeable, and the breathing test required for surgery showed my lungs were functioning well below normal for my age. Because of all of this, physical activity became difficult and I had to stop gymnastics at the time.
I don’t remember a lot of details before my surgery, but I definitely remember June 15th, the day of the surgery. I didn’t quite understand the severity of my condition until this day. Getting prepped for surgery made it all very real to me. I remember being wheeled into the surgery room and then I remember waking up eight hours later in pain. With titanium rods and screws, my spine was fused from T2 to T12. I had a scar down my back, a chest tube scar, and a crankshaft scar on my right side. I was in the hospital for a week and out of physical activity for an entire year. The months after the surgery were difficult: I hated my scar, kids at school were mean and since it didn’t look obvious that I had the surgery they didn’t understand why I couldn’t participate in PE. All I wanted to do was be a kid again - go to the park, run around, do gymnastics - but I couldn’t, and the healing process was long. The silver lining in all of this was music. I have been singing for as long as I could remember and throughout my healing process it was the only thing I could really do. While sports and other activities weren’t possible while I was healing, singing was very possible. In fact, singing felt easier since the surgery because my lungs were now functioning normally. I leaned into the arts and once I got to middle school, I started playing guitar, writing songs, singing in choir, and joining musical theater. I even started sports again, softball was unphased by my scoliosis, but unfortunately my fused spine made gymnastics more and more difficult and it just didn’t seem possible anymore. I feel like everyone struggles with self-esteem in middle school, but scoliosis made my body confidence issues stick out even more. My scar was still something I wish I didn’t have and even with the surgery I still had trouble finding clothes that fit. The surgery fixed a lot of the issues but not everything; my shoulder blades were still a little uneven and a fused spine was not something every 12-year-old had. I guess in order to cope, I did more things that wouldn’t draw attention to my back - like music. Music was more prevalent to me than sports at this time. I felt like I fit in better with music. Sports drew more attention to my back while music was all about my voice.
Throughout the years, I kept having checkups with Dr. Grayhack and for the most part everything was fine. I was going into high school and made the golf team. I was only a month or two into high school and had an appointment with Dr. Grayhack. We looked at my x-rays and the bottom part of my spine that wasn’t fused started to curve and twist. The curve in the upper spine made my shoulders uneven four years prior. The curve in the lower part of my spine was now making my hips uneven. It was clear I would need another surgery to fuse more of my spine and stop the curve. I was crushed, I just wanted to be done. I remember just wanting to get it over with so I scheduled the surgery as soon as we could. About a month after that doctor's appointment, I had my second spinal fusion surgery on November 18, 2014, at the age of 14. This surgery fused my vertebrae from T12 to L3. I was in the hospital for five days and out of physical activity for six months. With the majority of my spine fused, my scar now stretched from the bottom of my neck all the way down to my lower back. Much like the first surgery, I couldn’t lift over ten pounds for a while which meant I couldn’t carry my backpack. I also needed home tutoring since I couldn’t go back to school the whole month of December until after winter break. In high school kids were just as mean as they were in elementary school. I could barely find someone to carry my backpack because according to my classmates I didn’t look like I had surgery, so I was probably fine to carry my books. The chairs in school were so uncomfortable that I carried a pillow around to support my back and for a while I could only sit through half days before I started feeling a lot of pain and fatigue.
Just as before, the healing process made me fall in love with music all over again. I kept writing songs and playing guitar. I joined choir in high school and quickly fell in love with performing. I finished my high school career as MVP of the golf team and had many musical performances under my belt. Once I got to college, I started studying music and fell in love with opera. I got my Bachelor of Music in Vocal Performance and graduated in 2022. While I was in college, in 2019, I recorded five original songs at a studio in Nashville, Tennessee. I released the debut EP, A Sea of Darkness in 2020. I recently recorded my first full length album called Wishing We Could Dream. The songs on this album are stories about my life to date. I will be releasing singles this summer beginning with my first single, ‘All of My Scars’ due June 14, 2024. ‘All of My Scars’ is the story of my scoliosis and spinal fusion surgeries. The song embodies my struggle accepting my scars and gives a true, honest look at overcoming scoliosis. Although the song is specific to my condition, I think it could be relatable to anyone struggling with body confidence due to having unwanted scars. There is a hidden strength that I hope comes across with ‘All of My Scars’ and the rest of my music. On June 13, 2024 I will be giving a private performance of my song and others at Lurie Children’s Hospital where I had both of my surgeries. I hope that talking about my story could give other patients strength as well as spread awareness about scoliosis. June felt like the perfect time to release this song since it is not only Scoliosis Awareness Month, but my 14-year anniversary of my first surgery falls on June 15, 2024. This song and this month are so special to me and I hope others can find comfort in my songs the way I have. Following the release of ‘All of My Scars’ will be my next singles ‘The Shower’ due on July 19, 2024 and ‘Lust For Love’ on August 23, 2024. I try to look at my surgeries as something that brought me closer to music instead of something that held me back. I still struggle with body confidence but over time I have come to terms with my scar and look at it as a metaphor for my perseverance and strength. To this day I enjoy golfing, hiking, and riding my bike. I still sing opera and hope to continue bridging the gap between classical music and my own music.
